


Gardenia

by Lumeriee



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 1p, 2P, Bullying, Highschool AU, Homophobia, Human!Russia, Ivan Braginski - Freeform, M/M, Mentioned suicide, Minor Violence, Parent Problems, Prostitution, Rejection, Romance, Sex, Slow Burn, Top Russia, Viktor Braginski - Freeform, bottom reader, compensated dating, emotional reader, no suicide from main characters though, swap, two souls one body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24938188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumeriee/pseuds/Lumeriee
Summary: Being in love with your best friend shouldn't have been this complicated, but it was. Being a gay man in a community that detested the mere notion of your existence and having a best friend that shared those feelings, your feelings were something better-kept secret. This was a flawless plan in theory, one that only fell apart when your best friend's other half caught you in a situation you couldn't lie your way out of.
Relationships: 1P!Russia/Reader, 1p!Russia/Reader/2p!Russia, 2P!Russia x Reader, Russia (Hetalia)/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! 
> 
> Within this story, there will be a number of possibly triggering and NSFW themes. If that bothers you in any way, please do not read this story! Thank you for your understanding, the warnings will be listed in the tags or prior to sections if necessary. However, by reading you acknowledge and accept any mental risk you put yourself in by reading on.
> 
> Sex work is also talked about here to a degree. I love sex workers and I am very sex-positive, so any feelings displayed here are from an unreliable narrator who, quite frankly, isn't doing much safe business practice. Please keep that in mind. 
> 
> Light editing, let me know if there's any major errors!

Your hand slipped under the petals of Gardenia, stroking the disheveled petals forwards. It was dying. Most of the flowers in this garden were. The soil needed fertilizer, something you couldn’t afford to invest in, and meticulous care, something you wished you could offer more of. Even if you were the president of the Gardening Club, you weren’t much good at nurturing plants of this abundance by yourself. There were eleven other members, but it had probably been two weeks since you saw someone come to take care of the plants.

It was a burden sometimes doing it all your own, but you appreciated the silence that being alone brought you. It wasn’t something you could get at home anymore, not after what your parents found out. You wouldn't stay there if you had the choice, but you had nowhere else. Even the thought of seeing your parent’s faces once more had your body recoiling inwards and your breathing halted. You didn't want to, couldn't even, think of that severity of disgust on their faces again. You quickly forced yourself to think of something else.

You felt thick fingers poke your back akin to that of a child, impatient and demanding. A sting of pain was left in its place, but you felt your heart lighten tremendously when you met a pair of eyes.

It was Ivan. His eyes were a bright, purple-ish hue despite the slight shadow he caused as he crouched his large frame to meet your own height. He looked no different than usual either: wearing a thick winter coat, some navy pants, and his signature pure, white scarf that coiled around his neck and his rectangular body. 

It was a typical look around here too. It was nearing Summer, but the nip in the air persisted. It was too much to hope for moderate weather, but you often did anyway. While the greenhouse on campus did wonders, it would be nice to spread the beauty of plants outside it too.

The gardenias, the tropical plants you nurtured, were one such beauty you wished you could share, but the amount of precautions you took for them to survive in the greenhouse made it difficult already. Even attempting outside would be futile. Thus, the world outside would have to remain a desaturated, impure array of colors and people.

Well, except for Ivan. He was someone who shined amongst people. That’s why you fell for him.

The world seemed to tease this fact too, putting Ivan and yourself beside the Gardenias. Your years of being a nerdy botanist-of-sorts had you meet many superstitious old ladies who reminded you of the power of the flower’s meaning. That, if given to another, symbolized secret love. Smiling to Ivan in greeting, you knew that was exactly the case of this one-sided affair. If he ever knew, however, he would be disgusted.

“Shall we go to the movies?“ Ivan asked, cocking his head to the side innocently. 

He still had that semblance of a kid. Naive, hopeful, perhaps a little cruel. All traits which brought about the initial crush. With Ivan, there was almost never an ulterior motive. He was upfront, brash, and you knew he would tell the truth straight. And, when he did endearingly cute stuff like this, it was so hard to say no.

“I wish I could…But my parents want me home today.”

A lie, mostly. I had something else planned sometime later.

“Tell them it was club affairs,” Ivan said as his eyes shifted. Viktor now took the stage with eyes like murky purple puddles and adjusted his limbs into a stance that was more stoic.

You found out about the second personality much later than perhaps you should have. Somewhere around the third year into you being best friends with Ivan a particularly bad swap happened and Viktor introduced himself. It was never any dramatic story, but it was one of utmost secrecy from that moment onward.

A therapist told Ivan it was most likely from his family situation that his condition existed. You never got to fully understand what that meant, however. His aunt on his mom’s side was his caretaker now, but that term was loose. Instead, Ivan took care of himself and Viktor, the other personality, swapped in when the emotional stress became too much. His sisters found refuge through some church organization, but he didn’t like to talk about that either. Contact between all of them appeared to have been cut off.

In your mind though, it never was quite the disorder the doctor talked about. Instead, it felt more like a different being all together. Like two souls in one body. Viktor came out without triggers sometimes, so it felt like he was always listening for opportunities to step in.

“He’ll pay” Viktor said. The personality appeared apathetic and logical. However, it seemed to be more nurturing than he liked to let on. Or, at the very least, he liked to observe and keep order. Chaos would only serve to hurt Ivan afterall.

“I can-”  
“He can,” Viktor repeated, “Save money.”

“Viktor I can’t rely on you guys like that. You guys have to support yourselves.”

Ivan took over. 

“I can pay, friend. You have done much for me in the past,” Ivan said. “I’ll drag you there if I must.”

You looked at the watch on your wrist and bit your lip. It had been awhile since you went to the movies since your parents didn’t offer an allowance or allow to you have a part time job. The money you did get...well, it wasn’t from a favorable past time, but it allowed for release. As a young adult preparing for the workforce, it was only normal to have the urges and, if you could be paid for it, you didn’t see anything wrong with it. 

“Fine...But I will pay you back. I found a neighbor who’ll let me clean her yard for money, so I will pay you back, okay?”

“No need,” Ivan said, “Your company is enough.”

You tried to fight him on this, but Ivan ignored you as he pulled you by your shoulder towards the school yard past bunches of kids too lazy to make the trek back home. The movie theater was around a half mile down the road in a quiet shopping plaza. If you took the path Ivan was taking, it would be about a quarter of a mile.

It was rowdy, especially for a Tuesday, with a congregation of kids of all numbers of ages shouting unintelligible words. You were never one for the crowds of students as you were a relatively weak kid who was a prime subject for bullies. Ivan’s intimidation helped, but it would never permanently deter those who enjoyed control through fear.

Towards the end of the school yard there was a small building left in disarray by the school. While it used to be a spot for health classes in its earlier years, it was too out of the way for students to ever make it to class on time. Now, it was just used as a place to have sex, smoke, or use the bathroom. Staff never monitored it so it fell to delinquency. 

The sound of a talking came from the building. The distance made it appear hushed, but, as soon as you came close to the building you could tell it was anything, but that.

“Must be real nice to be such a cocksucker, Boris,” You heard a male voice say in the corridor outside the building. “Is that how you afford all your luxuries? By sucking on your step daddy’s cock?”

“I don’t-”

Whoever spoke in retaliation was smacked hard. 

“Being a rich daddy’s boy must make you think you can humiliate me, put me under your belt-”

A boy was thrown onto the ground from around one of the corners. You saw three other boys emerge from around the corner, hands deep in their pocket. 

“Well, you’re fucking wrong,” the one in the middle spoke.

The boy on the ground, much more feeble in comparison to the much taller males, had the wind knocked out of him and his glasses had flown into the tall grass beside him. The middle boy took this moment to stand beside the kids head and his lackeys went to hold the already immobile boys arms down.

The bully pulled up one of his booted feet and pressed down on the victim's head. As the bully applied pressure down, he let a long drawn out sling of insults. You couldn’t make out all of them, but the ones you did hear made you sweat.

“Faggot...homo…”

And some much more creative ones.

The boys hadn’t noticed you and Ivan as you silently walked the dirt pathway. If you were lucky, it would stay that way.

“Avert your eyes, da?” Ivan said hushed, but with a smile.

You nodded in agreement and kept your eyes down.

***

Ivan left shortly after the movie with a pep in his walk. While the movie was mostly a mediocre superhero drama, it was the ending that made him the happiest. It was a sad ending, but with potential for growth. Ivan always told you that that was more realistic than a happy ending because, as he said, happy endings will never exist. Things will get better, maybe, but endings will never simply be happy. 

The movie held the same ideal which had Ivans fingers digging into the arm rest and his body leaned forward in his seat to glare at the movie screen in concentration. The only time the smile left was when the American movie displayed two female side characters kiss. While it was only a mere moment of the film and partially obscured by the events around it, you saw the way Ivan’s eyes narrowed and a frown peaked his lips like he had eaten sour candy. Disgust, in other words.

Soon enough, Ivan seemed to leave that moment behind. You couldn’t though. Instead, you replayed it hundreds of times over in your head. It almost made you feel dizzy.

You had an appointment though, so you sipped water from your water bottle outside the motel’s check in. You had chatted with the man extensively online through a private messaging board. He seemed relatively normal, but had a thing for rough sex with biting, scratching, and slapping. He had said it was a bonus that you were so youthful and pure. You didn’t bother to mention the other sexual partners.

If you were lucky, the man’s interest with you would dwindle as soon as he “soiled” you and you could meet much more sexually-average clients. Still, he was paying a lot. 

A man pulled up in a black van wearing an aggressively orange hat, your client. The man perked up when he saw your identifier, a green scarf. While he didn’t say it, you could tell he was pleased to not have been catfished. 

Surprisingly, he hadn’t catfished you either. He was just like his picture: slightly overweight, white, with a grizzly beard, and large gray eyes like an owl. Then, you threw any preconceived notions away. You knew early on that the true you was safe behind a lock and key as soon as work started. From the moment you caught the clients eyes, you were simply a more lively sex doll.

The man went into the check in and got a key. He was trying to hide it, but his hands shook. The look in his eyes said it was some feverish level of arousal, but he only placed a stiff hand on your shoulder as he led you towards the door of a motel room.

However, from somewhere on your side you felt eyes dig into your body. You turned your head slowly. There, a couple feet from you in front of the convenience store was Ivan. No, you corrected yourself noticing how he held himself, it was Viktor.

You felt your whole body grow cold as bits of sweat prickled throughout your body. You felt like you had spikes growing inside your chest, penetrating each side deeply with each breath you took. Recognition, then confusion, crossed Viktor’s face.

“I have to grab something,” You muttered, “Go in the room and get ready for me.”

“Can’t it wait?” The man whined. Despite his stereotypical adult look, he sounded awfully childish.

You put on your best acting face and gave him a look that always charmed men like him. Then, with a tone laced with sexual undertone, you said, “I just want to make my first time extra special. I won’t take more than a moment, I swear.”

The man, suddenly demure, acquiesced, “Alright, well, I can’t say no to that. Just don’t keep me waiting, darling.”

You mentally recoiled at the pet name, but smiled at him. You watched as he disappeared down the corridor to a motel room. You turned on your heel towards Viktor, desperate to make some lie up. While you were still panicked, you were suddenly more pissed as to why Viktor would be on this side of town in the first place.

“Who?” Viktor asked as soon as you stood in front of him. His eyes were narrowed, almost distant.

“That guy was just asking for directions to Brodvick City. I just figured I’d help.”

Viktor’s eyes darkened.

“Your parents?”

“They canceled the thing we had planned, so I decided to take a walk.”

Viktor’s hands turned to fists at his sides.

“Liar.”

You became flustered, “No, Viktor-”

“I saw his face. I saw yours.”

You tried to speak, but your heart was in your throat. Your ideas jumbled and you felt like your tongue couldn’t keep up with your thoughts. You were about to lose everything. You couldn’t breathe.

Viktor’s face paled. He turned his head, eyes downward. Then, suddenly, he grabbed your shoulder. It wasn't rough. No, by all accounts it felt like it was supposed to offer comfort rather than the violence you were expecting. 

“Don’t tell Ivan,” You begged, tears prickly at the edge of your eyes. 

Viktor removed his hands and watched as he reluctantly nodded his head.

“Go…” He said, “The man is waiting?”

You nodded, practically running away toward the motel room the man was waiting in. Unable to look back, you just hoped Viktor was being sincere, that he wouldn’t tell Ivan. 

As soon as you entered the room, the man grabbed you into a passionate embrace. You led him to the bed as he peppered kisses and bites on every piece of your body. The pain would pull you temporarily away from your fears, but it kept seeping into your brain like a horror movie. You couldn’t stop remembering Viktor’s pale face. Would Ivan hold the same when he found out? Or would it be disgust?

As the man pushed inside you, you couldn’t help, but wish it was Ivan. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lightly edited. Feel free to pick out errors! Thanks so much for reading! :)  
> And, as a side note, these are my interpretation of the characters based on the setting they are in. If they seem off, that may be why. However, I still hope people enjoy the interpretation regardless.

The days leading up to Monday felt fast, giving you little time to prepare for what might become of Viktor's discovery last Friday. However, nothing seemed to be amiss. While you only saw Ivan once in passing, in which he smiled at you, as you headed to your economics class, everything seemed peaceful. Viktor must have kept his promise-or Ivan was surprisingly good at acting.

Regardless of which it was, you were constantly fidgeting. 

Initially, it was just pulling at the sleeve of your uniform, but it slowly transitioned into a sporadic clawing of your flesh on your hand to the point some peers around you would make calculated glances to watch the whole ordeal. After a while, you decided to skip to avoid public scrutiny. 

The halls were mostly empty as the school day was getting closer to its end. If teachers saw you at this point, they turned an eye thanks to your good-natured past. Stopping at your locker, you scooped up your textbooks and binders for later that night and shoved them into your weathered book bag. Staring for a moment, you shoved some trash into your bag to deal with later as well. As you were about to shut the locker door, your eyes caught on a picture at the back of the locker.

Plucking it away from the magnet holding it, you observed the faded image. It was an image of you and Ivan from a couple of years ago from a religious day camp you both attended. While Ivan was a, albeit very uncommon, instigator of touch more often than an acceptor, this picture showed one of the few instances in which he allowed the opposite as you had slung your arm over his shoulder into a tight side-embrace. You were both so small, probably why you were able to reach his neck comfortably in the first place, and you were both sitting at a table with two partially done coloring sheets. 

This was probably around the time you realized what you felt for him was taboo.

You didn’t remember ever putting it up, so it must’ve been within the first week of school. How it managed to survive the hectic nature of your locker as you moved towards graduation was unbeknownst to you. Deciding to give it a better home, you slid it carefully into the back pocket of your bag in between the pages of a novel. 

You jumped when someone abruptly stood beside you. You looked up from your bag, hands briefly shaking as your heart settled in your chest.

“Why are you out of class?” Ivan said. He seemed okay, but you still felt like walking on eggshells to avoid any incident.

“Uh...nothing. Just needed to grab stuff from my locker. I’m such an airhead,” You attempted to joke. Ivan seemed unconvinced.

“Your locker seems empty. I don’t suppose algebra needs your language arts textbook?” Ivan said, eyes analyzing both the empty locker and your face.

“I just want to carry everything with me. Then I won’t need to make stops at my locker. I kinda decided to do this when I came to my locker for my algebra textbook though,” You said, lowering your eyes to the shine of his boots. Despite the shoes looking close to falling apart, he did do well in maintaining some form of professionalism.

“I can tell when you lie, (your name),” Ivan said. “We’ve been friends for years, yes? Let's walk."

“Don’t you have class, Ivan? Anyways, I need to get back to-” 

Ivan grabbed the back of your hoodie and began dragging you along. At first, you tried to drag your feet, but it was a foolish idea. Just about as soon as you did, your hoodie began to choke you and you relented as to avoid an accidental public hanging. Picking up your feet, you followed Ivan while being overly aware of the way his fingers accidentally brushed at your neck’s flesh-

“(Your name).”

You were at the school’s greenhouse. Looking around as if you had just woken from a nap, you noted that, like usual, it was utterly vacant. It would probably stay that way too, unfortunately. Despite being spring, the weather was growing colder and some speculated snow would be showing up in the forecast soon.

“(Your name.)”

You finally looked to Ivan, eyes wide.

“Why are you acting wrong?” Ivan asked when he got your attention. “Did someone hurt you?”

“No, Ivan. I’m fine-”

“No. You are...off. When I waved to you this morning, you ran away. When I came up to you, you were acting scared. And-” Ivan stopped, grabbing your hand that you didn’t even realize was scratching your arm, “...you are acting like you have fleas. What is wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just feeling a little sick, don’t worry about it,” You said, feeling your hands shake. You weren’t much of an actor and you could only hope Ivan wasn’t either. You didn’t want this care to be some sick game. In any other circumstance, you would have appreciated the care too if it were genuine. Right now, however, you just wanted to escape.

Ivan stared you down, his eyes penetrating past your pupils and most likely into your guilty conscious. Your head began to pound as you thought of all the things he would say if he knew or the things he may be planning to say. They kept cycling in your head, smashing against your skull and growing larger and larger as it all culminated to one word, three syllables-

Disgusting.

Your knees shook.

Disgusting.

You squeezed your eyes closed as if the darkness could swallow you up and out of the situation.

Disgusting.

Before the toxic cycle could send you tumbling, Ivan grabbed your shoulders.

“You don’t have to say it,” Ivan said, disappointment evident. “However, you do owe me a movie, friend. Let us go to your house.”

“But we can’t, my parents...” You began once you found your voice. Your parents would be home at some point today and you already didn’t want to see them. Bringing Ivan home? That was asking for speculation and suspicious eyes. 

“They will not care. Your parents like me, no? I have slept over at your house hundreds of times too,” Ivan said, before rubbing a contemplative finger over his chin. “Did you fight with them?”

“Something of the sort,” You muttered, looking down. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full story by any means.

There had been a fight. It had happened a couple of weeks back when your father went through your phone when you forgot to bring it to school. When you came back home, your room had been thrown apart. Initially, you thought it was a robber until you saw your mother and father quietly sitting at the dining room table, phone sitting open on the table. Optimistically, you could be thankful your father wasn’t smart enough to go into internet search history or bring back deleted texts. The gay porn you forgot to clear on your phone’s web browser, however, was enough to do all the necessary damage. You were lucky they didn’t throw you out. However, sometimes you wondered if staying was worse.

The rest was history, but the trauma of it still lingered in the form of the final word they said to you that night. The days after the fight, you forced yourself to go to class, but you could only stare with an unfocused lens as the sounds around you were like mush. 

“They don’t want people over.”

“Then sneak me in. It will be fine, da?”

Part of you wanted to believe that, so you, after a bit of internal deliberation, nodded. If you snuck him in your room, you could bring out Viktor too and ask. If everything was fine, you could talk it out with Viktor and enjoy a movie like old times with Ivan. 

With most of the students still in class, the walk back home felt much quieter than usual. It felt weird to skip as your body had grown used to the rhythm of filing into a class at specific times each day. There was a sense of freedom in it, you supposed. 

Around fifteen minutes later you strolled up your house with Ivan at your side. There wasn’t a car outside, you breathed a sigh of relief. Your mom usually went grocery shopping around this time, but you decided to play it safe by going through the backdoor with Ivan. It was a silent process in which neither of you spoke and the house appeared to be dead silent even as you crept up the old stairs toward your room. Upon closing the door, you let out a restrained breath. 

“So,” You began, pulling up the streaming service on your TV. “What movie do you wanna watch? Movieflex just released a bunch of things.”

“Surprise me,” Ivan said which was rather surprising. Ivan often chose the movie. You liked most things and Ivan had a good eye, so you didn’t have a problem with that arrangement. 

You were about to choose when Ivan spoke once more with furrowed eyebrows.

“Viktor wishes to speak to you.”

Murky eyes took not a second longer to take over.

“Viktor?” You said, a slight quiver evident.

“You are fine.”

“What-”

“I have not said a word. Enjoy the movie.”

And like that, Ivan was back in control.

“What did Viktor want?” Ivan asked, tilting his head as he ran his fingers through his blond hair. Shrugging, you muttered something about schoolwork as you internally mulled over the validity of what Viktor said. Ivan didn’t have a chance to press further because you started the movie as you flopped onto the bed. As soon as Ivan pulled off some of his winter gear and his boots, he joined you. He still had his jacket and scarf on. You, however, threw off your clothes until you were down to a tank top and your jeans as the first scene began to play.

“Oh, yeah,” You muttered, reaching over to grab a blanket from the chest beside your bed. “My heater’s broken. If it gets cold, use this.”

Ivan accepted it, but placed it beside him. He held heat well and the blanket was thin, but it was the thought that counted. You relaxed into the bed beside Ivan and hoped that everything was fine, that everything would be fine. As long as you got Ivan out of the house before your parents noticed, everything should be fine. 

Eyeing the door, it’s broken lock, and the distinct scratches from when pressed your dresser against it, you wondered what life could have been like if you weren’t the way you were. You would have had your parents love, you could've have had a romantic life outside of your sex work, and a normal love for your best friend. Instead, you were left to be uncomfortably aware of his breath, his smell, his smile, and how much the world hated you for it.

***

You roused slowly from your unexpected nap when you heard heavy footsteps and the door handle jiggle to an open. Your mother’s form stood at the door. It was dark in the room except for the TV and hall light, so she didn’t immediately see the two of you.

“(Your name)...” Her voice was taut, as if your name itself brought a sour taste to her mouth, “Come help me-”

She flicked on the light, unveiling you covered in blankets partially awake and Ivan sitting innocently beside you. He smiled at her.

“Oh, Ivan, dear...I didn’t realize you were here,” She looked past him to give you a blank look. Seemingly innocuous, but you knew the deeper meaning to it.

“Sorry, Mrs. (last name). I wanted to watch a new movie here. I hope I am not intruding?”

“No…No, dear. You’re always welcome here,” Your mother began, straightening her cooking apron before looking to her side nervously, “However, it's so cold in here. Wouldn’t you two like to watch movies in the living room in front of the fireplace?”

“Thank you, but the cold doesn’t bother me, and (your name) is covered up. We will be fine.”

“But…” Your mother pried, before falling quiet in thought. “Fine. If you two want dinner, please come downstairs in thirty minutes.”

Your mother left, leaving the door open. You lowered your eyes, taking the hint. Ivan, curious, looked at you for a moment but turned his attention back to the movie not long after.

Despite being covered by two blankets, the room was unbearably cold and, upon quick inspection, you found the window was open just a crack. With no heater, that was making the room the equivalent to a fridge. Unsteadily, you got to your feet to close it and felt the cold permeate your unprotected skin. You were already shaking when you got back to the bed and Ivan took notice despite his interest in the movie. It was a different one from earlier. Given the hour, around 8pm, it was most likely the third or fourth one he has watched.

“Are you cold?”

You nodded to Ivan as you pulled the blankets around your body once more. You made sure to cover Ivan with some too. He gave a small, appreciative smile, but he didn’t seem much bothered by the room’s temperature and let the blanket rest on his legs. Your hand that had been left out to freeze while you slept felt inexplicably numb.

Then, maybe it was the drowsiness guiding you, you grabbed his hand and interlaced your cold digits into his much warmer ones.

“That’s how cold I am. How are you not cold?”

“Cold doesn’t bother me,” Ivan squeezed your hand, rubbing his fingers against yours to warm them. “My coat keeps me warm too. Here-”

He dragged your hand into his large coat pocket. His hand didn’t leave yours for a few moments.

“Warmer?” He asked.

“Much warmer.”

“Then keep it there. I don’t mind.”

Then Ivan went back to the movie like it was nothing, but it was anything but. 

***

Your mother and father had been a routine of checking on the both of you until they finally went to bed down the hall. They had made it a point to leave both your bedroom door and their own open. However, you weren’t deterred. They were deep sleepers and fell asleep quickly. So, approximately thirty minutes after they went to bed, you carefully clicked the door closed as the final movie came to its end. 

Unconsciously, you watched Ivan’s face as the movie concluded itself. For a man who was conservative in the emotions he showed, it seemed that movies were the only thing that unconsciously broke down the barriers for him. Even with you, you knew you were only getting a piece of the story, but with movies you knew every emotion was raw and unadulterated. Perhaps that's why you liked watching movies with Ivan, and maybe that is why he would only watch them alone or with you present. 

As the film went to credits, you saw Viktor take control thanks to the light of the TV and you unconsciously drew yourself away and looked down. 

“Why did they keep bothering us?” He asked. He almost sounded innocent, but you knew he knew. Ivan could be oblivious, but Viktor had to have known.

“Because...of how I am. They don’t wanna risk it. You know.”

Viktor coughed, falling into too long a silence.

“Does Ivan know? Can he hear any of this?”

Viktor paused before speaking.

“No. I don’t let him be present when I’m in control.”

“Why?” You asked.

“He doesn’t need to know...sometimes protection and sometimes other things.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?...” You said, pushing for answers. You knew Viktor was there to protect Ivan, so wouldn’t he tell him in this case? It didn’t make any sense.

“It’s not for me to tell.”

“You…” You breathed hard, pulling the blanket to your face, “...think I’m disgusting, right?”

“No,” Viktor said immediately.

“You’re lying, aren’t you?”

Then the tears came, hot and fast down your face. You buried your head deeper into your blanket to soften the hiccups of your cries so your parents wouldn't wake. With your luck, this would be when they showed up. It would only become so much worse if they found their son crying over his homosexuality and his love of another man that, from their perspective, would be right beside you as they had no way of knowing about Viktor. Bitterly, you resigned that that would be all they cared about too. Not you or your stability, of course.

Viktor readjusted his position to grab your shoulders, the movement hesitant and soft. When you didn’t react, he trailed fingers down your arms and forcefully took your hands in his own. Softer now, he laced his fingers into yours and squeezed. While you still tried to fight away, his eyes caught yours and you couldn’t escape. You felt like a deer in headlights as you sniffled and stray tears continued to roll down your face.

“You know why I am here…Why Ivan made me. You did not run away, so I won’t run either. I don’t mind who you are.”

You didn't speak, taking it in. You so badly wanted it to be genuine. 

“You should tell Ivan, da?”

“You know what he would do,” You responded. Perhaps it was a bit too harsh as Viktor bit his lip for a moment at your response.

“He couldn’t hate you though…and you couldn’t hate him, da? You love him?” 

“Just because I’m...gay doesn’t me I love every man I see,” You chuckled stiffly at yourself, unable to meet Viktor’s eyes.

“You love him though?” 

You flushed and felt acid lap at the back of your throat. Was it that obvious? How would he have even known? It wasn’t like you made it a point to be overly romantic like you did with clients, and you never did anything with Ivan in the hope of something beyond best friends. You had some tact after all. 

Your silence was enough for Viktor. A distant, moderately bothered look in his eyes, however, said there was something else he wanted to say.

“Yes,” You confirmed and the tears began once more. Viktor still held your hands tightly in his grip, refusing to allow you to escape from this conversation. The tears kept coming and coming until his grip lessened and he, albeit still awkward and uncertain, took you into his arms. You shook and convulsed with your cries muffled into the thick fabric of his jacket. Your hands roped around him naturally, as if you had done this a thousand times before.

But you hadn’t. Not with Ivan, and especially not with Viktor. Despite this, you couldn’t help feeling the safest you'd ever been.

“There is,” Viktor spoke once your tears had mostly subsided, “A chance he will like you back.”

You paused, breathing a ragged sigh. Then, pulling away from Viktor you found the strength to speak once more.

“How do you know?”

Viktor grew a light shade of pink before looking away a moment. It looked like he was trying to regain his stoic, unmoving facade. After a few moments of struggle, a look of determination lit his face.

“Because we’re one in the same with things like this. If something emotionally happens to one of us, it’s only a matter of time before the other starts to feel it. The same goes for love…He’ll probably realize it soon too.”

Viktor looked startled.

“He’s coming back. Wipe your tears, comrade,” Viktor said, wiping away a tear from your face as the murky pools became that of Ivan’s eyes.

Ivan’s face quickly went from initial confusion to concern. Soft and tender, he smiled at you as if attempting to comfort you. He, unlike Viktor, made no move to touch you.

“Was Viktor messing with you? How foul. I’ll talk to him about it. Wipe your eyes, (your name).”

You did as told, but you were more caught up in wracking your brain to understand the mess you were now in. Even after Ivan had dozed off beside you and the TV screen turned off, you laid on your bed staring at the popcorn ceiling trying to make sense of what Viktor had said and wondering if there was any room for misunderstanding. 

It had to be a misunderstanding.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Long time no see! I've actually been sitting on this chapter for awhile. I won't go into the details of why in this section, but if your curious or just want to know when to look for the next update, read the endnotes!
> 
> Anyways, the editing on this is probably awful and if you spot any errors, feel free to point them out!  
> Also! There is a sex scene in this chapter! It will be present after the second ***.

The feeling of money in your wallet was euphoric, although there was always an underlying guilt in it. Still, it gave you enough money to buy personal items you were running low on as well as some additional funds you could burn on whatever your heart desired. While you had a notable amount of money stocked away, you didn’t try to touch it when it wasn’t necessary. Rather, you had a lot of pride in yourself that you could even have that much and how it would be your ticket out of this town one day.

When you reminded yourself that, the satisfaction and guilt felt worth it despite the scary man you got it from. With a clearer head, you could then focus on other topics.

Other topics...like Viktor. And what he said.

Ultimately, you wondered if you misunderstood or Viktor misspoke. You’d ask, but Viktor hadn’t taken over since to clarify. Perhaps it was to maintain how things usually were, as Viktor did often stick to the background, but it was just as likely that he had to emotionally recharge. Regardless of the potential confession, dealing with an emotional you was a lot for anyone.

Even so, you were thankful that he had helped you through that moment and, despite knowing why you shouldn’t, you wished you could talk to him. You considered a couple ways you could work around the issue, but ultimately there was no alternative. You had never asked for Viktor before, so why would you start now? It’d be suspicious.

Pushing that issue aside, you moved to another one that had been burning in your head for days. Viktor  _ had  _ said Ivan had the potential to like you back...So, was he gay? Bisexual? Ivan had never done or said anything that suggested any preference for male, female, or other. Rather, Ivan appeared to be much more content by himself or with you. Did that mean...you were an exception?

You had probably had this pattern of thoughts a thousand times over. It either ended in hopeful wishes or hopelessness. It appeared today you were of a positive mindset. 

Walking in the halls of the school after your algebra test had your mind feeling particularly fuzzy, but the pep in your step kept you bounding through the halls much faster than you would normally go. You were hoping to invite Ivan to the movie theater to make up for the tickets he bought last time. All the better, a movie you knew Ivan would like was out too and you could even buy him the largest bag of popcorn. Hell, you could even buy him a slushie-

You caught Ivan’s eyes as you rounded the corner. He was leaving his art class that he often had a love-hate relationship with due to the teacher. Thus, you were expecting a sour face for the most part, but you weren’t expecting the look of fire in his eyes as soon as they met yours.

Then, without a word, he rushed down the hall opposite of you. Without thinking, you followed. 

Ivan wasn’t an endurance runner, so even when he began running you knew it wouldn’t be long until he slowed down and you could ask him what was wrong. All sorts of fears danced in your head, but Viktor promised you he wouldn’t say anything. It didn’t make sense for him to suddenly retract that promise. 

“Ivan!” You called as Ivan rounded into an empty classroom. He attempted to slam shut the door, but you were too fast and pushed into him to get into the room. He recoiled away from your touch, as if you burned him.

“Don’t touch me.”

“What? Ivan, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” You begged, watching how repulsed he seemed to be. What did he hear? What did he know?

The classroom was empty except for a couple of old, broken desks. You consider yourself lucky this issue wouldn’t be broadcasted to an outside audience. Ivan, however, didn’t seem to care. 

“Stop being ignorant…” He said, looking you directly in the eyes now. “How could you? How could you betray me?”

Your mouth was agape, but you couldn’t find any words.

“You’re a disgusting sinner,” Ivan said. “Stop feigning innocence. I saw you prostituting yourself-”

It was like all the warmth from your face was vacuumed out and needles had filled the empty space. Your vision began to wobble and you felt your whole body follow suit. You gripped the desk beside Ivan and he once again recoiled away from your touch.

“No, it wasn’t me-”

“It was. I followed. I watched,” Ivan rebutted, “I watched him shove his tongue down your throat. You moaned.”

Your breath came jagged. You tried to deny once more, but you were ignored. 

“You accepted money from him. You've done this before.”

Your words came out disjointed like you were unsure how to properly speak your native tongue. You wanted to formulate an excuse, you wanted to make up a lie, but you just couldn’t think of anything to say or find the means to say it. He had seen you, despite you being even more careful this time. It must have been at the park where the man was picking you up...where he had dropped you off. Ivan and you had gone there as kids, but nobody went there now! You had thought it was safe, so how did he-

“Disgusting,” Ivan said, pushing past you as you fell to the floor.

As much as you wanted to cry, you knew it was a death sentence for a boy like yourself to be caught. So, with wobbly legs, you ran. You ran until you were at your house and in the safety of your bedroom. The house was empty, so you screamed, kicked the wall, and flung every item in your room until you were satisfied.

Then, the word came back to you.

_ Disgusting _ .

And you cried harder than you ever had.

***

You hadn’t gone to school in days. You feigned some sort of sickness when you asked your mother to call the school to report your absence. Since she was still uncomfortable with your presence, she made no point in testing the validity of your statement. Your hair was greasy, your body smelled musty, and you made no point of leaving your bed unless your body called for the bathroom. Otherwise, you saw no point in doing anything, but staring at the ceiling for hours.

As far as you were concerned, your life was over. 

You knew you weren’t being dramatic in this either. Ivan wasn’t a social person, but that kind of anger is infection-a disease begging to be spread. You didn’t want to assume that he spread the details of the fight. You still loved him, of course. However, you weren’t stupid. A crybaby, sure, but not stupid. He had to have said something, be it in passing or whatever, and word spread throughout your school.

The school’s eyes on you, especially for this reason, meant death. Maybe even something worse than it. While no student had ever been openly gay at your school, you had seen time and time again what a tiny accusation could result in. 

In first grade it was a kid named Roman who gave his friend a flower ring. He had been harassed with slurs until he left for a different school nearly eight years later. Rodrick was another kid you knew in middle school who had feminine mannerism. That alone was enough to land him cornered in the boys locker room and forced to lap up the contents of a urinal. He still was at school, had a girlfriend, but was still constantly harassed and assaulted with dozens of scars across his body. There was Sasha as well who was ostracized from everyone and had her only friend just be an act to prove a crush or interest in women. She committed suicide last year after a public bullying incident went too far. Nobody had even said anything of her departure either.

You would be no different. You were just some gay loser. You’d almost consider social ostracization a blessing until you could actually escape from this town. However, the males at your schools would consider the lack of action an attack on their own heterosexuality and masculinity. You could only imagine the torture that would become of it and that fact shook you to your very core.

Rolling to your side on the bed, you pushed over your school bag and watched as the contents flew from the unzipped interior. You couldn’t remember exactly when, but you had gotten up to grab homework. At the time you thought it might help you restabilize yourself. However, undoing all the comparment’s zippers only served to increase the growing weight on your body. The hopelessness had swallowed you up and you returned to bed.

You attempted to rise, but instead resigned yourself to staring at each of the contents spewed across the floor. A lot of it was expected like your textbook, your pencil bag, the granola bar wrappers, and so on. The only odd thing was the novel you had forgotten about and the edge of a picture that peaked out from the yellowed pages. It was a mere few inches from your bed and, arguably, within arms reach.

You felt this deep need to reach for it. It took effort on your part to do this, but the sudden motivation had your body gravitating towards it like it was a life line. You rolled your body so you rested on your belly and grabbed the bedpost as you swung your free arm down to the floor. You missed once or twice before catching the book by its edge and pulling it up.

The picture was elusive though. It flew from the book and found a new home on the floor beside your bed with its content’s face up. 

While the picture was exactly as you remembered, the feeling it carried definitely changed. Maybe it was pessimism, but you no longer saw your hold on Ivan as the cute puppy-love of a child. Rather, it was something more foolish and oppressive. You had hopefully held Ivan in your grips for so long that you didn’t realize how much it controlled you. 

It was not Ivan's fault, but your own. If you were smart, you wouldn’t have chased an unobtainable, straight man. Perhaps, you would’ve pursued guys your age at a safer point in time and you wouldn’t feel the need to find release in problematic old men online. The money was good, but it should have never been worth risking your life over.

If you could just leave, then maybe you could start over?

That’s when it struck you. Why  _ didn’t  _ you? Your parents wouldn’t even care if you left. They were already counting the days down to graduation until they could legally be rid of you. Your school, on a similar note, wouldn’t miss your appearance. Regardless of your secret being unveiled, it wasn’t like you had any friends beside Ivan. As for finishing your high school career, it wasn’t like you were meant to be a scholar. You had already decided you’d rather work at a job you hated if it meant you got away from here. Money would always be an issue, sure, but it was better than the alternative of staying here.

So, what was stopping you?

With energy you hadn’t experienced in days, you rose from the bed with every joint in your body popping. Pulling yourself from the bed, you ran a hand through your hair and cringed at the level of grease that came with the touch.

If you were going to leave, you decided, you would at least be at your physical best before doing it. A shower would be your first step.

The house was empty as you stepped into the hall and then into the bathroom. Thinking hard, you figured your parents must still be at that conference trip for your dad’s work. Or, perhaps, they had just left? You couldn’t recall as the days seem to melt into one another.

Turning on the shower, you caught a view of yourself in the mirror. It was oddly haunting. The color in your face seemed as if it were artificial and your eyes lacked much light. Looking at your hair next, you realized you had never done anything different with it and how it was styled nearly identical to the photo in your room.

You wanted to shave if off... Maybe not shave it all off, but you wanted to do something with it at some point in the near future. Maybe you could find a cheap barber in the town over?

Your shower took some time. The grime on your body took a lot of scrubbing before the water came clean and the amount of shampoo it took for your head to feel clean was embarrassing. The conditioner’s easy application and its light minty smell felt like a nice treat for your body that felt abused at the sudden work out. You climbed out of the shower into your bathrobe when the water ran cold.

You took your hygiene products as you left, deciding it would be too expensive to buy fresh stuff once you left. Once back in your room, you shoved the most essential things in your bag and tried to keep it as light as possible. It made your heart ache to leave so much behind, but you decided old memories would bog you down. You were done being a sentimental crybaby. You had to be a new person. 

A rock at your window sent a jolt through your heart. Cautiously, you peered through the curtains of your bedroom. 

Was it Ivan? Or was it Viktor? You could only make out the familiar form. Regardless of the person, your heart panged for an all new reason and you felt your earlier resolve dwindle. 

Heartsick and feeling stupid, you crept downstairs to the front door. You at least wanted to know why he was here. Maybe it would solidify your resolve, you figured. Or maybe it could stop you all together, you also noted.

As soon as you opened the door, foolishly without the chain lock on, the person smashed their way through. Their hands wrapped around you in one quick movement and nearly knocked you off your feet. You so desperately wanted to look at their eyes, but they kept their eyelids closed as they held you. It took a minute or so of this silence before they let you go. Then, they opened their eyes.

Viktor. 

“Viktor,” You exhaled, mortified at the slight squeak your voice gave from lack of use.

“(Your name),” Viktor returned. While you felt nervous, you could almost see Viktor’s anxiety radiate off him. The look in his eyes, however, was much more affectionate

"Your parents?" Ivan asked.

"On a business trip," You responded.

Without another word, you led him upstairs to your bedroom. As soon as you entered the room, you found yourself unable to keep the words from bubbling out. You  _ needed _ to ask the question that had been burning in your mind and kept you hopeless in bed.

“Did he tell anyone?”

Viktor shook his head. You breathed a sigh of relief.

“Is he mad?”

Viktor turned his head this time. His eyes then fixated on something on the floor. Following his line of sight, you noticed it was the picture from when you were kids. Feeling your cheeks redden, you shoved the picture into your backpack in the very front pocket so it could be undisturbed. You didn’t feel like explaining why you had that picture out.

“Why are you here?” You said, proud that no tears came to your eyes.

“...Had to see you.”

“Why?” You urged him. You wanted a concise answer to what he had implied before. You felt strange at that realization though. Why did you care how Viktor felt for you? It's not like you sought after his affection.

“I don’t think I can handle waiting for his feelings to catch up. He is too damn stubborn,” Viktor admitted. It was endearing, yet odd to watch his stone-cold face become dusted red.

“Wait for his feelings to catch up?” You reiterated, feeling your breath hitch in your throat. You couldn’t move your eyes from his own. 

When you repeated those words, your denial of the situation began to falter. While you had known how it felt for a man to lust after you, it was weird to be on the end where it was something more pure. Afterall, you had always been the one following behind the person you loved in hopes they would give you some sign. You wondered how long Viktor had been doing the same? Especially with you so obviously favoring Ivan? You felt guilty, but you couldn’t help your feelings.

Viktor nodded and watched your face with some kind of calculated analysis. Then, he craned his neck forward and kissed you. It was clunky and uncoordinated, but the passion was there. Men would often have a similar level of emotion when it came to fulfilling their sexual fantasies, but this kiss somehow felt above it. You leaned into it, desperate to feel this emotion further as Viktor’s technique became more refined.

He was the one who pulled away, but you were the first to speak.

“I’m sorry…” You began. “I shouldn’t have kissed you back. It's not fair to you...I love Ivan.”

Victor shook his head, “You knew it was me kissing you. I saw you look into my eyes. But you still did it. Ivan can’t be the only one you love…if you look at me like that.”

“I…never really thought of you like that. I don’t know. I never thought…I…” You mumbled. You didn’t know why you reacted to the kiss like that. You didn’t see Viktor as a client. No, you saw him as he was. One of things that Ivan and Viktor liked most about you was your ability to treat them as separate entities, so it wasn’t like you thought of Ivan during the kiss. 

Yet, you fell into that kiss much more than you would ever a client. More so, you liked the emotional pull he gave. If he hadn’t pulled away, you probably would have still been chasing it and enjoying the little jabs of pain and pleasure it gave.

You were so confused.

“Then let me let you think,” Viktor spoke after a moment of silence before pressing his lips to yours once more.

***

You didn’t push him away and your arms found their ways around his neck. Overcome with the feeling, you both pressed your bodies against one another in the desperate need for skin upon skin. Despite the instinctual nature of the encounter, a rational conflicted side of you still knocked at your brain, feeling that this was wrong and that you still loved Ivan. Another stronger part didn’t care and wanted to embrace whatever the hell this was.

Viktor pressed his leg between your own as he guided you towards your bed and, when you gasped, he slipped his tongue slipping into your mouth. The feeling of his tongue was euphoric and tasted distinctly sweeter than of your previous encounters. While the taste of cigarettes and cheap beer from your clients initially excited you, it got old fast. Now that you tasted Viktor, you could even add that the thought of those previous kisses sent chills of disgust up your spine. This felt right.

When your back made contact with bed, Viktor crawled atop you. Resting on his elbows and setting his arms parallel to the bed, he made it so his head hovered just a breath above your own. He reconnected the kiss with little hesitation.

You reached up and ran your fingers through his hair before bringing them down to the scarf still wrapped tightly around his neck. He paused, pulling away from the kiss, and allowed you to carefully pull the fabric off his neck. Once your fingers met his unblemished, bare neck, he seized up and a deep, shaky breath rattled his body.

“Our neck...is very sensitive,” Viktor said, pressing his lips against yours once more.

As he kissed you, you continued to run your hands up and down his neck, thinking of what reactions you would get if you put your mouth onto him. Would kisses have him moaning? Would hickeys have him weak at the knees?

You tried to pull away from Viktor, but he seemed so preoccupied with the slipperiness of your tongues running against one another. Thus, when a moment arose, you landed a playful bite on his bottom lip that had his eyes refocus on your own. You pulled back with success before making your way to his neck.

The first kiss had goosebumps erupting all over his body as if a chill hit him. As you pressed a line of kisses down to his clavicle, you saw the effects increase dramatically and enjoyed the heavy pants of Viktor in your ears. Finding a particularly sensitive place at the base of his neck, you placed your lips on the skin and sucked greedily.

Viktor arched his body in retaliation, accidently rubbing against your crotch. With a sudden rush of pleasure, you nibbled at the flesh as you sucked. When you felt satisfied, you pulled away to see the dark red color patch up underneath his skin. You wanted to do it all over his neck-

But you didn’t have the chance. Regaining his senses, Viktor sat up to pull at the buttons on his jacket. For yourself, there wasn’t much effort needed as you were already in an easy to undo bathrobe. So, whenever the need was felt, all Viktor needed to do was pull the bathrobe’s tie.

If you bothered to think about, you would probably note how truly weird this situation was. Never would you have thought this course of events would occur or that you would be so willing.

Viktor pulled the large winter jacket off his frame that, in retrospect, should have come off much sooner. A block sleeve shirt followed, revealing his sculpted body. You stared, wondering if it always looked like that. It was then you realized you had no recent memory that didn’t include Viktor and Ivan in that winter jacket. You knew they worked a demanding part time job, but you just hadn’t expected these sorts of results from it.

Somehow, it made you a little sad to realize how disconnected you were from them: both this small detail and just about everything else you had recently learned. Your heart felt heavy.

You reached forward, feeling his chest in your hand. Viktor seemed surprised at the touch.

“You’re so toned,” You said, pressing your hands against his pecs before trailing it down his chest. This time, the touch received a small shiver.

“You like it?” He asked. It felt weird for him to say, but it sparked an idea in your mind. Had these muscles been the result of his personal effort? That would make sense too.

“Yeah. I am...a gay man. This is pretty great.”

A look flashed in Viktor’s eyes. You watched as his hand went under your bathrobe to your groin. His fingers lightly touched your upper thighs, so unbelievably close to  _ something else _ . Your knees jerked at the thought.

“Is that the only reason?”

“Viktor,” You whined. A part of you probably needed this conversation, but not right now. You just wanted him to touch you. You wanted to feel him in you. You didn’t want to deal with emotional or relationship drama. You wanted something irrefutable primal, something that wouldn’t make you feel like shit after.

“I wish to be more than the men you have had before. I want to mean something to you.”

“Weren’t you gonna let me think?” You asked, bucking your lower half against him. He looked down at the contact, before hesitantly taking your dick into his hands. He seemed nervous, embarrassed even.

“I thought we’d only go as far as kissing, maybe touching...I don’t know where to go from here. I will be much worse than the other men in this aspect.”

“Viktor, you just have to touch me... “ You said, before realizing it was an unfair ask. He had probably never come close to something like this, probably had little exposure in terms of media including it too being connected to Ivan and all.

“Follow my lead, okay?” You said, before deciding the next course of action, “Take off your pants and your underwear.”

Viktor flushed once more, but nodded and did as asked.

For someone who wanted to only go as far as kissing, Viktor was erect. His dick was rather pretty, as odd as it was to say. He was a size much larger than you had ever taken and with a pleasing amount of thickness to the shaft. The hair at the base was maintained quite well too which surprised you. Men, especially the ultra masculine ones here, took pleasure in letting their hair grow wild and unkempt.

You directed Viktor to lay on your bed with his back against the wall while you grabbed lube and condoms from your hidden stash. Carefully, you crawled between Viktor’s legs with Viktor’s careful attention focused on each movement. You couldn’t tell if it was from arousal, for some desire to learn, or both.

Taking the lube, you squeezed some onto your hands and rubbed it between your palms to warm it. When you hand made contact with Viktor’s penis, he managed to restrict his movement to a jump of his leg. His mouth wasn’t as tame, though, spewing soft grunts that only grew in intensity as you rubbed the liquid up and down his shaft. As much as he looked like he wanted to stop the sounds, he seemed to be too enthralled by the process to stop it.

You wondered if Viktor or Ivan had ever done anything like this before. It was likely that Viktor hadn’t based on his reactions, but you couldn’t actually say for certain since he might have done something with females. Ivan was a similar situation in your head. 

The thoughts from earlier came back with a twinge. As much as they, Ivan and Viktor, were your best friends, you couldn't claim to know everything.

As seamlessly as you could and between soft strokes of his dick, you took off your bathrobe. As soon as you did though, you saw Viktor take into account your own penis. 

It was then that you wondered if he was truly seeing the gravity of the situation, that you were undeniably male, and if this would make him put this whole ordeal to a stop. However, the look in his eyes was begging you to keep touching him.

You continued to apply generous strokes to his penis, the lube making it easy to drag your fingers from the base to the very tip at various speeds. You particularly liked the way Viktor rocked his body and gripped your bed sheets when your fingers ran up against the tip of penis. Something about seeing a poker face come undone made you particularly heated.

Encouraged by his reactions, you spread your body out on the bed and placed your lips to the skin just above the base of penis as your hand lightly grazed his balls. As he let out a groan, you brought your tongue to his balls and licked meticulously at the delicate skin for a few moments before once again peppering his body with kisses all the way up his shaft.

You ran your tongue on the underside of his penis’s tip and watched as that delivered the biggest reaction from Viktor yet with a gargled moan as his hands met your hair.

“(Your name)...”

You were eager to please. With careful attention to teeth, you took his penis into your mouth. This was familiar to you. Much more than the previous actions as the clients you usually had didn’t care much for foreplay. You learned, of course, just in case a particular client showed up and desired it. Still, you were arguably much better when it came to dick-in-mouth action.

Your mind turned to mush with the action, but you were signaled back to reality with the occasional heavy intake of breath from Viktor. Other than his breathing and the slurps from you, the room was a tense, buzzing silence. Despite how stagnant the room felt when you had been alone, there was something so charged about each passing moment with Viktor now. Sex felt good, sure, but it didn’t usually make your toes curls and the hairs on the back of your neck rise at giving oral. 

And this was Viktor too! You’ve had countless dreams of Ivan and yourself. Not once had it been Viktor and, yet, here you were, enjoying it just as much as you imagined you would with Ivan. 

Not stopping your movement, your eyes peered up to Viktor’s. His were mostly closed, but would peak open and catch your own eyes. He didn’t seem too aware of your stare. At least not yet. 

Since oral was so natural for you, it gave you time to observe instead and try to make sense of the situation you were in now. Like, for instance, why you were so into this despite being so heartsick for Ivan.

Everything felt so different now, especially Viktor's eyes. His eyes weren’t physically different from how they usually appeared either, being the same purple hue, but, perhaps, the murkiness was no longer so uninviting. Instead, there seemed to be something almost nurturing, caring in how they would look at the world...and at you.

You wondered how hard it must have been for Viktor to hide his feelings from a man he shared the same body with. How he blocked that information was confusing, but it made sense to a degree. If the therapist was right and Viktor was made to keep Ivan’s stability together, then it only made sense that Viktor could block the flow. Ivan seemed to keep that flow of information open, most likely to keep Viktor at easy disposal if the moment called for it.

“Stop staring...embarrassing,”

But you couldn’t. It was like you were seeing Viktor in a new light. While Ivan was still a major piece of your life and was there for numerous important moments of it, you realized Viktor had also done the same. The slight change in eye color had been indistinguishable at the time, but the way in which each of the personalities moved, spoke, and operated themselves should’ve made it obvious. Viktor had been caring for you just as he had been for Ivan. You just never knew.

You pulled yourself up and looked away when Viktor’s eyes stared into your own. You felt your face flush when you realized the state of your face. Quickly, you moved to wipe away excess saliva and lube from your lips and chin.

“Why do you like me anyways?”

Viktor paused and opened his mouth to speak, but you stopped him.

“Nevermind. I...You’ll change your mind. You and Ivan both...are worth so much more than this.”

Viktor grabbed both sides of your face and turned your head to face him.

“I love you.”

“Viktor...don’t. You can’t mean that.”

“I love you.”

“...”

“I want you...Ivan will too. Being with you forever wouldn’t be long enough.”

You wanted that to be the truth more than anything, but you knew that this could be the lust talking. Post-orgasm clarity would only serve to break whatever feeling this was. Viktor would still be the kind, yet distant person he always was, but he’d realized this sexual frustration was a one time thing. There was no way you deserved the possibility of a love like this. Especially not by someone as good as him.

So, you decided, you might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

You grabbed one of the condoms beside your thigh and took it out of its wrapping. With practiced precision, you placed the condom on his cock and brought your spare, lube-covered hand to your ass. Carefully, you massaged fingers in and out and added fingers as you built up tolerance. Viktor seemed to watch in some sort of fascination as you continued to occasionally tug at his cock. You were surprised at his endurance.

“Should I help?” He asked with a soft moan, his eyes' gaze unrelenting.

You shook your head, feeling your neglected dick pulsate. While you always made it a point to do some preparation for clients so foreplay wouldn’t be such a spectacle, it was hard to not just skip it in moments like these. This was especially the case since you had a genuinely attractive person you felt a connection to waiting for you. You guessed this sort of thing  _ would  _ happen at the worst possible moment.

“Viktor,” You breathed out.

His eyes, like polished black amethyst, looked into your own. Your heart throbbed.

“Do you want to?” You asked, hoping you wouldn’t have to clarify.

“Yes.”

You moved into a position that looked like a modified push up of sorts: your ass high, but your head resting on your forearms. Viktor followed soon after, his bare skin contacting your own in a sort of buzz. He adjusted his cock to rest parallel with your body, resting against your ass as he grinded and prodded the sensitive flesh. You clawed at your bed, wondering if Viktor had feigned the innocence he had been upholding this whole time Or, maybe, he had watched porn? The idea itself would have felt preposterous if you weren’t in this situation now. Now, you supposed anything seemed possible.

Viktor paused, however, not moving for several seconds. You turned your head to him.

“Viktor?”

“(Your name). I  _ love  _ you. I wouldn’t lie.”

And, with that, he pushed in. He was, thankfully, slow as your body adjusted to the mass. The pain, however, was still present, but not nearly as bad as your first or second time when you still hadn’t learned the importance of foreplay and preparation. When you heard a gargled groan from Viktor, you felt your whole body become engulfed in goosebumps.

Once he reached the hilt of his cock, he paused with a grunt as he lowered his body against yours: his sculpted back against your much smaller, softer one. His nose eventually rested as the base of your neck into your hair. He took a sharp intake of breath. Before you could ask what he was doing, his teeth bit into your shoulder.

“Ack...ahhh,” You cried out.

“Sorry.” Viktor said, sucking at the harmed flesh, “I’ve always wanted to.”

Perhaps, there was something a bit more kicky to Viktor than the caring, nurturing side you had seen previously.

“Just fuck me, Viktor...you can play with my neck later.”

“There is a later?”

The joyous chime to his voice, such an odd break from his typically flat vocals, made you scoff. 

Viktor no longer played around. He raised his body and brought both his hands to each side of your upper thighs and used them to propel his dick into you hard and deep. It took a few minutes for him to hit just right into your prostate and cause you to scream out. 

Feeling your face burn, you buried it as deep as you could into your bed as Viktor took the initiative to keep repeating the movement. Each time elicited a moan, but thankfully no where near as extreme as the first. 

You both were reaching your finish. You met yours first though as Viktor made it a point to keep hitting that same spot over and over, releasing wave after wave of pleasure throughout your body. When your release came, you relished the bliss that overtook your system. The way your body reacted must have encouraged Viktor to orgasm too as it was one or two more thrusts until he let out a deep noise from his chest, completely unlike anything you had previously heard in the session. Some level of pride burned in your chest at that.

Riding out his orgasm to completion, he pulled himself out and off you. Exhausted, he landed beside your naked form as you, yourself, fell limp to the bed. It was peaceful, neither daring to break the moment as you each tried to regain your breath.

The first thing you noticed, though, was that you felt amazing. With sex appointments, there was always the underlying feeling of guilt and shame that came from climax and a heavier wallet. While there were a number of complex reasons behind that, you liked the simplicity of this. 

You had sex with Viktor because you both wanted to. While the situation surrounding him, Ivan, and yourself was now more complex, you were glad to have had this moment. Perhaps that was foolish too and post-orgasm clarity would punish you for even having that thought.

Viktor moved first, first disposing of the condom into a nearby trash bin and then grabbing a blanket previously pushed off your bed and wrapping it around the two of you. Then, with no hesitance, he enclosed you into a tight embrace. You didn’t even bother to care about the mess.

Cuddling after sex was undeniably a very new experience to you, but the way Viktor’s head rested into your neck, his nostrils blowing air onto your shoulders, felt good. One of his hands moved from the upper part of your body after a few moments to take and delicately hold your hand. You leaned into it, suddenly feeling a wave of sleep rush through you. 

You felt warm, safe, and cared for. Such a combination hadn’t been an option for a while.

“(Your name).”

“Mhmm?” You responded, your eyelids heavy.

“I love you.”

You didn’t know what to say. You squeezed his hand tight as the world around you faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so Covid did a number on my productivity and mindset. I was working overtime at my job over the summer to fill in for the lack of workers which is great for a paycheck but really zapped my energy. When college came back into session, I was dealing with a lot of emotions and the stress of living in an apartment with some long time friends. I'm not in the best mind state yet, but I'm feeling better! :)
> 
> So, beyond those feelings, I had lots of questions about whether the plot of this story was good enough to complete, but I ultimately gave in and decided to finish it. Whether or not that was a good call is to be decided, but I hope everyone enjoys it. As for the sex scene, oof! Being a pansexual female, I need to start writing lesbian fanfics or something, haha. 
> 
> The next update should be next week (approximately 12/6/2020).  
> The rest of the story is written, but I want to do a quick edit and fix any major errors.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I tried to do some light edits. If there's anything wrong, feel free to comment on it! Anyways, enjoy and have a lovely day!

Light streamed through the windows and the cold did too, illuminating particles of dust as they drifted. Adjusting your leg slightly, you felt it peek out from underneath the blanket and the cold nip at the exposed flesh. When you tried to move to cover yourself with the blanket, you were alerted to the warm body beside you. His arms were tightly coiled around your waist and his nose buried in the crevice of your neck, hot breaths tickling at the base of the hairline. The memories of yesterday came flooding back.

While you still didn’t know how to feel yet, you weren’t repulsed by your choices either. 

In the quiet still of the room you might have come to a decision of what to do with the choices you had made too, but life had a funny way of screwing people over.

“What the hell is this?”

A voice came from the door, causing you to shoot up and out of Viktor’s grasp and look directly into the eye of the source. Your father. Pulling your robe beside you to your chest, you tried to avert your eyes but your mom’s eye bored into you next. Any idea of how to deny the scene in front of them felt futile. Still, you had to try.

“It's not...It’s not what it looks like-”

Viktor, or perhaps Ivan, began to stir beside you. Their eyes were still closed, but their face was scrunching up and flinching at the sudden noises in an otherwise silent house.

“Then what does it look like?” Your mom asked this time, cringing in disgust behind the frame of your father. She looked pale, eyes widened to that of an owl, as she wrung her hands.

Your tongue was thick in your mouth, flopping uselessly over your teeth as if to test possible excuses. However, there was no way to explain this away. A gay man sleeping naked next to another naked man spoke for itself, didn’t it?

“I was just...I took a shower and-”

Your father began taking large steps towards you, “Your mother and I...we put up with so much and we allowed it because we hoped you would change.”

He paused and his face seemed to darken.

“How many times have you done this? How many times have you committed these perverted acts in my house?”

“I haven’t-”

“Stop lying!” Your mother spoke this time, hurling herself towards you and in front of your dad. Her face was a deep red and her hands shook. She looked determined none-the-less.

Reaching her hand high in the air and open-palmed, she hurled it towards your face. You couldn’t move even if you wanted too. It was like the guilt and shame weighed you down to your bed. The whole situation felt like being thrown into a lake with your feet encased in cement blocks. The biggest difference, though, rested in the aftermath. With the lake, you’d have some semblance of peace, escape. Here, in this room, you’d still be stuck with your parent’s growing anger and disgust.

You already committed to leaving, so throwing you out would be a mercy. What scared you most was what would come before that.

Before her hand reached your face, a hand from the opposite of you blocked your mother’s hit, effectively pushing you back and away from the impact of the hit. The impact of skin on skin reverberated through the room and gave you enough time to shift your face to the man beside you.

His bright purple eyes looked past you, however, and his face was stoic, unbothered. If his eyes were closed, you might have even assumed it was Viktor.

“Don’t.”

Your mother’s hand retreated and fell limp to her side. Even with her timid withdrawal, you could tell her view on Ivan had changed. She now saw him the exact same way she saw you and you never felt more guilty.

“Don’t touch her,” Your father pulled your mother back and turned his attention back to you, “If this is the life you intend to live, then leave. I cannot support you and I cannot love someone who makes this choice for themself. Pack your stuff and get out.”

“I…” You began, voice hoarse and the lump in your throat seeming to grow, “Okay.”

Your dad grabbed your mother’s shaking shoulders and led her outside the room. While she may have looked petrified and revolted by everything that occurred, she still managed to give you one last stare before going out the door. It would have been one thing if it was just disgust or hate because, at this point, you expected it. 

But, no, the look she gave was one of betrayal, hurt. The lump in your stomach reminded you that, even with all the preparation, you were never ready to live with the consequences of irredeemably disappointing your parents. Before it was just anger, but they thought you could change. This reaction, this mood, said everything that needed to be said. It was over. You were no longer their son.

But it wasn’t like you had a choice. Something like this...you couldn’t just change. There was no way you would have chosen this for yourself.

You closed your eyes as the tears streamed down. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. 

At this point, you didn’t even care what Ivan thought of this situation. You didn’t care if he was disgusted, confused, or pissed. Hell, it would be better if he was mad because maybe he could toss you out the window or choke you to death or something. You just wanted out of this situation. The whole house felt oppressive and it was no longer the place you had called home.

But Ivan was silent, not looking at anything in particular. The blanket just covered his lower half and, despite the chill, he made no move to get dressed or to cover himself.

Then, he spoke, “Pack. We need to leave.”

You nodded, avoiding his eyes as you pulled on the robe from the bed and made a move to your dresser. While Ivan had no doubt seen more than he should have, you were careful to ensure that your body wasn’t put further on display as you threw on the first outfit your hands grabbed on to.

Once dressed and your shoes on, you moved to scurrying around your room and grabbing anything you forgot or figured you may as well take at this point. By the end of your collecting, you had to bring out a travel bag to store all of it. So much for not being a sentimental baby, you thought bitterly.

Despite the time it took, Ivan hadn’t moved. You were scared to speak, but you forced yourself to, immediately flinching as the words left your mouth.

“Ivan...I’m done.”

He didn’t speak. He gathered his clothes and dressed, unashamed by his body on display. You averted your eyes and instead picked up your bags and your phone.

Ivan didn’t speak another word and instead moved to the hallway, leaving you to fumble with your bags as you trudged down the hallway and down the flight of stairs. You could hear your mom sob from her bedroom, her guttural, loud cries seeming to follow you down each step. It made your heart feel heavy and your throat felt thick with sludge. The bag's straps burned into your shoulder as you heard your dad’s even-tone whispering calming phrases at her, much like he would to you when you were younger.

The tears came and the sound of your shaking breaths entered the quiet space of the house as well. Even with a bunched up fist rubbing away each tear, it was a useless endeavor. You didn’t even need a mirror to know your eyes were rubbed raw and eyelids puffy. Exiting out the front door with Ivan, you realized that this would be the last time ever leaving this house. Instead of being dignified like you had imagined just a day prior, you felt like a dog with its tail between its legs.

After a silent walk down a couple of blocks, you were surprised when Ivan brought you to his house.

It looked the same way it always did. It was a rectangular brick building with white accents and black shingles on the roof. The color, however, was desaturated with dirt from the number of years it went unclean. The gnarled ivy had all, but taken over one side of the house and was making its way to the other. While it was unwelcoming on the outside, you had spent so many moments in that house that it almost felt like a second home.

Well, you thought, Before I screwed it all up.

Once inside the house, you noticed how empty it felt. While it had been some time since you had been here last, you could always remember the distinct smell of coffee brewing and the hum of television while his aunt tapped away on her laptop. Instead, it smelled remarkably clean and the house was silent beside Ivan and yourself. Peering into the living room, you noticed much of his aunt’s possessions were gone as well. 

Finding an empty corner in the living room, you set your bags down and tried to take up as little space as possible. Ivan took a seat on the couch, staring down at his hands.

One thing was for certain: Ivan and you were alone. Your heart began to thud hard and fast in your chest. He hadn’t done or said anything bad yet, but the way he acted told you that he wasn’t happy. God, he was far from it. You could do nothing, but wait in silence and watch Ivan clench and unclench his fist with his eyes fixated on the digits on his hand. 

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?” You asked, ducking your eyes away from him and down to the floor. 

“This morning. Why the hell were we like that?”

“I...Ivan it's not what it seems…”

“Then what is it?” Ivan scowled, “Surely, I would remember such foul things...so it must have been Viktor.”

“No-”

It was like a flip switched and Ivan’s face grew stiff, his eyes wide.

“I am not a fool. You had sex,” He paused to think, before his eyes became distant, “You and Viktor had sex.”

You couldn’t deny it, but you still tried. Ivan didn’t interrupt as you blabbered on incoherent excuses. Instead, he leered at you, eyes void of emotion and lips drew into a thin line. When you realized how little anything you said matter, you seized speaking with your mouth frozen on the edge of a word. You felt sick.

“How long have you guys been doing this, faggot?”

The lump in your throat seemed to grow, asphyxiating you.

“That was the first time. I wasn’t thinking. Viktor was just-” You choked out, caught between covering for yourself and Viktor. As much as you didn’t want to be hurt in Ivan’s anger, you also didn’t want Viktor to suffer as a consequence of your lack of foresight.

You shouldn’t have fallen asleep after having sex with Viktor.

You shouldn’t have accepted Viktor’s advances.

You shouldn’t have been caught.

You should of just-

“I’m sorry,” you breathed, the tears starting up again. Your face felt numb as the tears streamed down. You looked at your hands. They were shaking.

“You’re lucky Viktor wasn’t in control when your parents found that situation,” Viktor spoke once again, tone dry, “Viktor is much more violent.”

You stared at him between blurry tears.

“But...then again, what do I know?” Ivan jeered, “He has already been acting on his own accord to interact with you. He was never like this…”

Ivan stood suddenly, taking a step towards you. His expression was scary.

“Ivan?” You squeaked, taking a step back.

He took another step forward, then another, and another. You stepped back with each of his advancements until your back collided with a cabinet. Ivan stood a mere foot in front of you, his head looming high above you and his glare penetrating.

“You made him gay,” He said, “You cursed us.”

Then Ivan flinched, taking a clattering step back as his face drained of color. Shaking his head back and forth, he brought his hands to his head and dug his fingers into his platinum blond hair. Between his frantic head shakes, you saw his pupil race, frantic, around his eye sockets. You noticed how his face contorted.

But, more than anything, you noticed how the color danced between the pastel to a familiar murky purple. 

Viktor. 

“What do you mean he didn’t, Viktor? I am not a…” Ivan spoke, his body shaking, “No! No! No! He’s brainwashing us. We aren’t...I’m not...”

Murky purple eyes surfaced and the shaking halted. He looked determined.

“Ivan,” Viktor breathed, his eyes staring directly into yours, “We both know how you feel. I felt it when you woke up. You’ve always felt that-“

Then lavender eyes took the lead again.

“No! No, I didn’t!” Ivan almost screamed. The shaking was replaced with a sudden still before he threw a fist into the drywall. Shuddering, you slowly began your move to somewhere out of his sight, staring at the large crevasse left in the wall as you crept along the outskirts of the room.

Ivan looked at his reddened fist before turning to you. The intensity in his eyes made you freeze and your heartache. Before you could linger on the feeling, his eyes became frantic once again.

“I did not think that when I saw (Y/N)! I didn’t. It’s wrong. It’s sinful.”

Scowling, Ivan turned to you again, “It’s disgusting.”

Viktor surfaced once more, but the scowl stayed as he stared upward into the popcorn ceiling. Despite the obvious fight going on inside his mind, he didn’t seem too bothered. Instead, he almost seemed pleased, clasping his hands together as his face melted into a neutral expression. He turned to meet your eyes once again.

“If you don’t want to admit it, Ivan…” Viktor smirked, walking over to you, “Then stay inside until you figure it out. You won’t be able to leave anyway. You’re radiating stress.”

You didn’t flinch when Viktor walked right up to you and placed a hand on your cheek. You leaned into his touch as Ivan used his hand to brush away stray tears on your cheeks. He felt warm, safe, and, despite everything that happened in the short time since you awoke, you felt calm.

Even though it felt right to fall into Viktor’s affection, you still felt some hesitation crawl at your gut that prevented you from wrapping yourself around Viktor for comfort. It felt like your whole world view had been flipped 180 degrees and your mind was mush trying to make sense in the aftermath. Viktor seemed unbothered, however, and you craved that stability, no matter how false it may actually be.

As if sensing your hesitation to act further, Viktor leaned forward and pressed a kiss on the bridge of your nose. When you mustered up a small smile for him, Viktor pulled you into a hug, his head resting on your shoulder and your torsos pressed against one another. His breath tickles your neck for a moment before he spoke once more, his voice reverberating in your ear.

“He’s caught up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again!  
> Hopefully, this chapter wasn't too bad. I don't feel too much better this week and I wasn't sure if I could proofread this and get it out. Still, I forced myself, so yay! 
> 
> I wish I could have done more with this piece, but, again, I wrote the outline when I was young and still heavily in the fandom. Hetalia will always have my heart, but I think nearly eight years of this fandom and I'm moving on to other stuff. This isn't to say I'll never write for the fandom again, but, rather, that I plan to move toward other fandoms. Namely, I have a couple of works drafted for Danganronpa, so, if you like that, please stick around!
> 
> Otherwise, the next and final chapter should be next week at roughly the same time. Thank you, again, for reading my works.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light editing. If there are any errors, let me know!

The school’s garden was doing well in your hands again. While there were a couple of plants that had dried out and had begun to wilt, the majority seemed to be doing well enough in your absence. Now, two weeks since your return to the school and with daily upkeep, the plants were of impeccable quality, almost as if their lack of care never happened. That’s what you liked about plants too. Their resilience. Vegetation always seemed to find its way even in the most inhospitable of places. 

You felt a kinship to the vegetation, more so than you had before. For hours at a time, you’d carefully comb through your plants until eventually returning to Viktor's house. Viktor, despite his lack of interest in plants, stuck to your side through the process as well. At some points he’d even help in the club’s endeavors by grabbing tools, preparing fertilizer, or watering the plants. 

The club had fallen to disarray by this point in the year, but you decided to appoint Viktor as the honorary vice-president shortly after your return to school. Despite only saying it as a joke for yourself and as a way to make conversation, Viktor gave a rare half-smile. He hid away shortly after that, the top of his platinum blonde head peeking behind the large sunflowers, but you could have sworn he had blushed. Grinning, you teased him as he ducked into the cabinets at the back of the greenhouse. Even though it had been some time days sense, Viktor held an endearment for the term whether he admitted it or not.

Your relationship had changed with Viktor. More specifically, you finally realized the gravity of it.

At night, you wondered how to describe the change. It was difficult to say you were in love with him yet, but you knew you danced along the line of falling for him. Thankfully, Viktor recognized that expecting your complete adoration and love so quickly was not realistic. It had only been a few weeks since your first, fierce encounter with Ivan in that classroom and even shorter since Viktor showed an interest in you. You had known Ivan almost your whole life and you were only just learning of Viktor's deeper involvement. In having all these perspectives in your head, the switch wasn’t easy nor instantaneous.

For instance, you still loved Ivan. You told Viktor as much too and he didn’t seem bothered. His advice was limited, but he seemed assured that he’d respect your decision and keep you safe regardless of what you chose. Despite his rugged, blunt exterior, you felt the safest you’d ever been when you were near him. You trusted him without question.

Viktor seemed to flourish off this relationship too and he seemed to be opening up to others. While talking to people outside of yourself was still a task for him, he seemed to be able to accomplish it easier and easier with time. Teachers initially seemed put off by the personality change, but relaxed as he proved himself to be capable and stable. His classmates also seemed less afraid of his presence, despite outwardly appearing more grumpy. People who mocked his presence, as well, faced the wrath of his newly developing sarcasm. 

His personality with you was becoming more loving too.

At night, when you both crammed yourselves into Ivan’s twin-sized mattress, you felt the walls that Viktor relied on melt. He’d wrap his arms around your waist and pull you into his chest. He didn’t say sweet nothings into your ear, of course, but he did always ask to kiss you goodnight. You’d always let him too. He’d give a pleasant smile in response, sprinkling kisses all over your neck and a final one on the top of your forehead. He never asked for more and you figured human touch is what he craved. You could barely imagine what it must feel like to be wrapped up in the back of someone’s head all the time felt like.

You didn’t crave sex as much as you used to because of this. With the time you spent with Viktor, you realized how much you used sex as a crutch for your lack of emotional intimacy. With sex, emotional intensity was so strong that you convinced yourself that its temporary effects were enough. However, time with Viktor showed you how filling the smaller forms of intimacy were. 

When you and Viktor did have sex, it was much slower than the first time. Instead of focusing on release, it was more explorative with hands wandering skin and trying to figure out sensitive areas. Viktor was an exceptional student too, making your toes curl and body tingle with every precise movement of his hand on your body. Some part of you worried about Ivan knowing of the act and you often wondered how Ivan would feel when he finally returned to the surface. Viktor, somehow knowing, would reassure you otherwise, temporarily stemming further worry on the subject.

As for yourself, you weren’t too much different on the surface, but your mindset had changed. While there were a number of positives from your new living arrangements, you still suffered a number of mental afflictions.

While Viktor helped keep you together, relentless thoughts and mental images couldn’t be beat some nights and left you feeling drained the morning after. Without fail, the thoughts always involved your parents. Some days it was the looming fear of being found out, some days it was the phone incident, but, most nights, it was every moment of that morning before you left your parents. The guilt and shame, most days, were enough to bury you whole, but Viktor never let it. When the feelings finally relented, you recognized it was a combination of anxiety and stress, but it didn’t make the experiences in those moments feel any less real or rational. 

You knew you couldn’t ignore the feelings that came from those moments of panic either. So, you embraced the thoughts that scared you and tried to see them as they were.

You were a gay man.

You had been outed before you were ready.

Your parents had disowned you for being gay.

Your first love had a terrible reaction to you being gay.

Your first love’s other half did love you though and, some days, you almost felt like you could say the same.

It was a complicated set of events and feelings, but recognizing them felt like enough. Like a mantra, you’d repeat it to yourself over and over until it felt like mush in your ears-

“(Your name?)” Viktor questioned from beside the Gardenia pots. 

_ Secret love _ , You almost laughed. The flower’s meaning was somewhat vexing. Your heart was on the table already. Regardless, you looked up at Viktor, head cocked.

Viktor caught your eye and began speaking, “You were dazed. Are you okay?”

“Yes, just thinking,” You said, trying to give a convincing smile, “Actually, if you’re okay with me asking, how is Ivan?”

Viktor squinted his eyes for a second, like he was looking inward.

“Quiet. There is progress.”

You didn’t know how to respond. You supposed that progress was better than nothing.

“Oh. Natalia sent Ivan a letter.”

You jumped at that. You rushed to his side, smiling big, and asked, “What did she say? She hasn’t contacted you guys in so long!”

“She said she is doing well. She says she made friends with a girl and that she’d send some pictures and another letter soon.”

“Another letter?” You said.

“Yes. She wants to reconnect.”

“I’m so happy Viktor! For both you and Ivan!” You smiled, pulling Viktor into a hug. It was still a new practice for you and Viktor, but you both seemed to fit each other well enough after a moment of awkwardness trying to situate hands. This hug, however, was different. Embracing Viktor, your arms naturally wrapped around Viktor’s midsection and his chin buried itself into your neck. As cliche as it sounded, it felt like two puzzle pieces joining.

He was quiet for a moment, “Thank you…”

You were about to pull away when Viktor held you firm. You were about to ask what was wrong when he spoke again, his breath tickling your ear.

“Why do you love Ivan after what he did to you?”

You had both skirted on this conversation before. It was familiar, but you felt like you could finally answer it now.

“I don’t think I could ever hate either of you. It hurt to be in that situation, but I can’t ignore the fact that Ivan was confused and hurt. I did stupid stuff because of emotions too...but to throw everything away? Especially before we even got a chance to reconcile...it would go against everything we’ve ever built together.”

You thought a second more.

“I love Ivan for Ivan. He made mistakes and so did I. We both have something to apologize for,” You mumbled towards the end, “I lied so much for my own gain. And then I asked you-no, I  _ begged  _ you to keep it secret too. That’s not fair.”

Viktor didn’t say anything, but you felt him squeeze you, take a deep breath, and step back.

“Ivan wishes to talk if you are comfortable,” Viktor said, taking your hands in his own, “I sense no foul will, but, if I sense anything, I’ll step in.”

You paused, before bringing Viktor’s hands, the ones so comfortably entwined with yours, to your lips. Viktor smiled at that and leaned forward to redirect your kiss to his lips. You obliged, standing up on your tip-toes.

When you pull back, Viktor’s eyes slowly open-

No, a pastel purple illuminated the irises.  _ Ivan. _

Your face felt cool, clammy. This was not how you wanted to greet Ivan when you saw him again. You were sure that Ivan-

Ivan grabbed the collar of your shirt and pulled you back to him. Despite having the same lips as Viktor, the vigor was different. He nipped at your lips before sliding his tongue in your mouth. You, shocked, took a few minutes to even come close to retaliating, but found it easy enough to do so when you let instincts take control. You didn’t want to think, you just wanted to experience this moment in its entirety. 

The rough kiss left your lips bruised, you knew that more than anything, when Ivan pulled away. His face was flustered, lips equally swollen, as he let go of your shirt collar.

Then, your brain kicked into overdrive. You sputtered out some questions, but it was mostly incoherent. 

When Ivan spoke, however, you felt your mouth snap close and your ears perk. You needed to understand this, to make some sense of Ivan’s head. But, more than anything, you just wanted to talk to him again. Sure, Ivan and Victor shared the same voice, but the tone, the syntax,  _ everything _ was so different when you really compared the two.

“Why do I…desire such contact from you? Why not women? That’s what’s natural. But you…you... You’ve changed me into something so...”

Ivan didn’t need to finish the sentence. You knew his intent and the tears welled up in your eyes in response. You muttered out a sorry, but Ivan chose to ignore it. He continued.

“…At the same time, however, it feels right. But...but why? Why do I feel this  _ love _ for another man?” Ivan said, eyebrows furrowing and fists clenched.

“Love…?” You repeated, your voice barely a squeak.

“Do not tell anyone. I will humor this relationship between us…men. I hope these feelings go away in due time, but…” He seemed to stop to listen for a moment. “Viktor seems adamant that won’t happen.”

Ivan rolled his eyes.

“Very...adamant,” He said, before scratching the crown of his head, brushing his platinum hair with large fingers and flattening it down to his head. He seemed to be debating something with himself, his eyes staring squarely above you. You were about to speak, just to say  _ something,  _ when Ivan’s eyes flickered down to your own once again. Whatever he was debating, he had obviously decided in favor.

“I’m sorry,” He said, tone flat and blunt, “I should not have tried to hurt you. I should have calmed down. I will do better. I will be kinder.”

“Ivan...thank you,” You said, “I’m sorry you had to find out in the way you did. I should have found a way to talk to you and I shouldn’t have pursued something with Viktor when we hadn’t made up.”

“But…” You continued, “I don’t regret Viktor and me doing what we did. I may have...loved you first, but I don’t regret what me and Viktor have and I won’t regret it when I fall in love with him too.”

Pastel eyes flashed a deep purple, before returning to the lighter hue. You smiled.

Ivan sighed, deep and exhausted. He reached over and placed a heavy hand on your shoulder and looked you sharply in the eye.

“No more...sleeping with other men.”

“Huh?” You said, thrown off guard at the sudden topic change.

“Your prostitution. No more of it,” Ivan clarified, “I can support you. You can get a job. I don’t want to catch you doing it again.”

“I...Of course. I’ll only sleep with you two then,” You said, unable to contain the mischievous smile that followed.

You were surprised at the teasing nature of it. Maybe it was the high of talking to Ivan again or, more likely, him agreeing to be with you. Something like this was a dream come true, something you’d only ever feel comfortable indulging in while asleep. But here you all were, your lips still sore from your kiss with Ivan and your body still warm from your embrace with Viktor. 

Looking at Ivan, the reality you were in was undeniable: his face flushed a red hue and his typically composed facial features scrunched up into something more flustered. You watched as his eyes flickered down to your lips once more and how he licked his swollen, red lips apprehensively. He was out of his element, but it didn’t take a genius to connect the dots.

You grabbed the end of his white scarf and tugged his head down. He obeyed and you reconnected your lips.

Ivan returned the kiss, the slower pace showing his inexperience in the subject more than the passionate one before. You didn’t progress it into something more and instead pulled away after a few moments. Ivan’s eyes were still closed, hands balled into tight fists, as he breathed a tentative breath.

His blush worsened when he opened his eyes to meet your observing ones. He pulled back, tugging at the scarf loosely wrapped around his neck as he observed the flowerpots beside you. Finally, Ivan seemed to compose himself and he spoke.

“Looks like the Gardenias are blooming well this year.”

And they were. The white petals were crisp and unwounded, tucking themselves into a mesmerizing circular pattern with every blossom. The shrubs of flowers were hardy, despite their preference for warmth in a landscape that seemed bereft of it. Their meaning of secret love had not left you and, as you cupped a Gardenia in your hand, you whispered a small thanks.

Then, with steady legs, you reached over and took Ivan’s hand in your own, hoping Viktor could feel it too. While the love you felt was not ready for the society you lived in and may not be for a long time, you were glad that you had two men you wouldn’t ever have to hide it from anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, finally, it ends.
> 
> I want to thank those who left comments on this story. While I'm definitely not pleased with how long it took me to fully finish this, I am very happy to say this story is over. It's crazy to think a story I outlined when I was 16 or 17 would be finished when I was 20 (especially since it was such a short plot), but I think little me would be pretty pleased to know I did it. 
> 
> As a final word, I hope everyone who gets to this point knows I'm rooting for you. No matter your situation or the obstacles life decides to throw at you, you deserve to be here and find happiness! :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
